my apologies/what remains unsaid

amy says i am slacking. too true. let's squeeze one more in before the end of february.

note: this was inspired by kevin's long-ago blog on the importance of discourse and by many recent 'moments.' must give nods to those who deserve 'em. ;-)

it's in the one word responses to simple "you ok?"s and "want to talk about it?"s. yes. no. not now. it is how you choose to portray yourself to someone new. we disclose secrets, tell stories, embelish some, and leave others out. the tales still get told and what is missing is rarely dire, but our own censorship changes the view others have of us. we do that on purpose. our actions and words unspoken reveal worlds.

take, for example, a short plane ride. i went to oregon last weekend to visit my best friend. the man two seats over on southwest threw his bookbag down on the middle seat. what wasn't said told me he was either tired and really wanted extra room to stretch out his legs on the 90 minute SJO-PDX flight or he was greedy and despite having slept well and having eaten a full breakfast of pancakes and eggs, he just didn't want to have to rub elbows with someone on his left.

but it isn't only with strangers that we allow silence to speak for us. typical girls often claim "nothing" is the matter even if they're sulking in the corner, clinging to their pillows. and the inquisitive intruder into their thoughts is rarely Mr. Jones, humming hands-in-pockets down the street, searching for some sad soul to bother; usually it is just a close girl friend.

"nothing," as most of us have learned by now, usually means everything.

and then there are those semideep conversations we have with folk who have recently lost the status of stranger in our lives. what do we veer away from sharing? we select slivers of our lives to reveal, moving in circles around memoires that shed a tainted light on the desired projected image. but what we don't realize is that these newbies know more about us from what we don't say. i don't claim that these hidden snippets are important in themselves, but because they aren't mentioned, they become important. why leave them out? are we afraid of them? fear. embarassment. shame. why leave them out? our own truth frightens us.

so now i wonder. in writing this, have i said all that i mean to? you will think i am purposefully forgetting something thrilling. maybe i am. or maybe its absense is what makes something banal take the form of a juicy piece of gossip.

ohhhh, the power!